Perpetrators, Batterers, Abusers

Abusers batter their partners to gain power and control over them. They use many techniques to intimidate or manipulate their partner.

They come from alt cultures, races, economic classes, religious, and educational backgrounds.

They often deny or minimize the violence and/or blame the victim for the violence. An abuser may tell his partner that she made him do it and that he wouldn't have had to beat her if she had only... 

• had supper ready when he got home

• not spent so much money at the grocery store

• kept the kids quiet

• any number of excuses

He may blame his violent behavior on drug or alcohol use and he may promise again and again to stop using.

It is important to know that domestic violence is not caused by drug or alcohol use (discontinuing use does not stop the violence). It is not caused by stress, mental illness, loss of temper, or something the victim did.

Abuse is a choice that the abuser makes and it is a learned behavior.

Using Abuse to control a partner is learned through:

• observing it being used (maybe within his family or a friends).

• cultural acceptance (men using degrading language when they talk about women or telling their buddies that they are really going to "teach her a lesson" when they get home and no one speaking up and saying that it's wrong).

• community acceptance (perhaps the abuser, as a child witnessed his father beat his mother and the police didn't help or maybe they arrested his mother as well as his father).

• growing up in a family with abuse (for a child growing up with abuse, it may seem normal and they may think that all families live that way).

• experiencing abuse (for a child, witnessing abuse is experiencing abuse).

Types of Abuse

Be aware that violence usually (not always) progresses. It may begin with socially acceptable attempts at control such as jealousy or masking jealousy by expressing concern for the partner's safety (calling her to make sure she made it home safely after a date) and it may become progressively more violent.

Physical Assault: kicking, hitting, punching, shoving, restraining, use of weapons (in addition to guns and knives weapons can be ropes, belts, household items, etc.).

Sexual Assault: rape, forcing or coercing the victim to have sex at a time or in a way that is unwanted, threatening rape or sexual abuse, sexual mutilation, forcing sex in front of others or in front of the children, forcing their partner to have sex with someone else.

Psychological and Emotional Abuse: using manipulation to gain compliance, playing mind games with the victim, trying to make her doubt herself or think that she's going crazy, threatening to harm loved ones, calling her names, humiliating her, degrading her, threatening suicide.

Using and Manipulating the Children: lying to the children about their mother, putting her down/degrading her in front of them, threatening or assaulting the children, threatening to take them away from her or gain custody if she tries to divorce him.

Threats: using threats to control or manipulate the victim, threats to do harm or kill the victim, her family, her children (even if he is the father).

Intimidation: with gestures, looks, body size or position.

Isolation: isolating her from her family and friends (her support system) by forbidding her to see them or talk to them, starting a fight or beating her if she has contact with them, accusing her of choosing them over her, telling her that he knows they don't like him.

Harming or Killing Pets: often abusers also abuse the family pets. They may kill them or beat them, threaten to harm them, do cruel things to them in front of the children or their partner to make her submit to them. There's a new law to protect pets.

Economic Control: not letting the victim have money, buying items for themselves, perhaps cigarettes and not letting her have one, taking her money, ruining the victims credit, not allowing her to get a job or making it impossible for her to keep a job.

Besides abuse, abusers use other tactics to keep their partners or to win them back. Abusers will do almost anything to maintain power and control over their victim. If the abuse has failed and she leaves or he thinks that she has made up her mind to leave, he may try one of the following:

• Apologize, beg for forgiveness, cry, beg her not to leave him.

• Make her feel sorry for him, tell her about his terrible childhood.

• Buy her gifts, send flowers, candy, whatever it takes.

• Promise that he will never do it again.

• Promise to stop drinking or using drugs.

• Promise to go to counseling, "get help .

 Warning Signs of An Abuser     

Jealousy - excessively possessive, calls her constantly or visits unexpectedly, checks the mileage on the car, accuses her of flirting, may be jealous of time spent with family, asks friends or neighbors to keep an eye on her. Makes comments like, "I love you so much that I couldn't stand it if you talked to another man."

Controlling Behavior - interrogates her intensely about where she was or who she talked to, keeps all of the money, makes her ask permission to go anywhere or do anything, makes all decisions. "You need to do what I tell you to do."

Pushes For Quick Involvement - comes on very strong,  pressures her for an exclusive commitment almost immediately. Tell her things like "I've never loved anyone like this before."

Unrealistic Expectations - expects her to be the perfect wife, mother, and lover, expects her to meet all of his needs. "If you love me you'll..., I'm all you need and you're all I need."

Isolation - tries to cut her off from all family, friends, support systems, and resources, moves her to another state, possibly in the country with no phone and leaves her with no car, may not allow her to go to work or school. "Your mother, sister, friend, etc. is always causing problems for us and making us fight.", "Your dad doesn't like me."

Blames Others For His Problems/Feelings - believes someone is always doing him wrong (the victim, his boss, his friends), blames you or others, shifts responsibility of problems to be someone else's fault. "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you." Less obvious, "You make me happy." "You control how I feel."

Hypersensitivity - is easily insulted, claims that feelings are hurt when he is really mad, takes slight setbacks as personal attacks. "I can't believe you burned breakfast. You are just trying to make me miss my meeting."

Cruelty To Animals Or Children - kills or punishes animals brutally, is insensitive to their suffering, expects children to do things that are beyond their ability for their age. "I spanked him for wetting his diaper. He is 1 ½, he should be potty trained by now."

Verbal Abuse - constantly criticizes, says blatantly cruel, hurtful things, degrades her, calls her names, curses at her, this may involve sleep deprivation by waking her up in the night to rant and rave. "You are so ugly and worthless, nobody would ever want you if you left me."

Rigid Gender Roles - he acts as "Master of the Castle, expects her to serve and obey him and usually remain at home. May tell her, "You are just a stupid, little woman, you couldn't possibly hold a job. No one will hire you." "How will you cook my supper if you are at work?"

Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde - sudden mood swings, switches constantly from sweet and loving to explosive and violent in a matter of minutes. May open the door for her at the restaurant, begin accusing her of flirting with the waiter on the way home, then beat her when they get home.

Past Abuse In Other Relationships - may admit to slapping or hitting his former partner but explain to you that she had had an affair (Situational circumstances do not make a person resort to violence, He will be abusive in any relationship.)

Threats of Violence - "I'll kill you." "I'll break your neck." Then uses excuses like, "Everybody talks like that, I was just angry."

Breaking Or Striking Objects - punching doors, breaking things, throwing objects. An abuser will often Break or otherwise destroy their partner's property, especially things that mean something to her, such as pictures of her baby, treasured keepsakes, or even gifts that he has given her.

Any Use of Force During An Argument - Hair-pulling, spitting, threatening, restraining her from leaving room.