Barriers to Leaving

Many people ask the question, "Why does she Stay"?

For family and friends that want to help a victim it can be very frustrating when she will not leave or leaves and then returns to her abuser.

There are many possible reasons why a woman remains in an abusive situation and we need to begin asking the question, "What prevents her from leaving?"

Many battered women make heroic efforts to leave the abuser but often are unsuccessful because of the following barriers.

Fear: According to the FBI, up to 40% of female homicides in any given year occur when the woman decides to leave the abusive relationship.

Fear of more severe physical attacks from her abuser if she tries to leave: The abuser may tell her that he will kill her, her family, or even her children if she tries to leave him.

Fear that the abuser will gain custody of the children: The abuser may threaten to take her children away from her. He may tell her that he will make up horrible things to tell the judge to win custody. Abusers do sometimes gain custody. She may feel that at least if she is with them she can offer them some protection from the abuser.

Financial Dependence on the abuser: The abuser may not have allowed her to work or took her paycheck  from her if she did work. Abusers often keep close track of the money and may check her receipts or pay the bills and buy the groceries themselves to prevent her from having any money.

Isolation/Lack of Support: The abuser may have isolated her from her family and friends. He may have accomplished this by forbidding her to see them, talk to them, and/or causing a fight or beating her if she has contact. Her family and friends may be discouraged because their attempts at helping her have seemingly failed. They may not realize the measures he is willing to take to prevent her from leaving. They may have stopped trying.

Religious Beliefs: Her religion may dictate that the man is the head of the household and that she must submit herself to him. He may abuse this "right". She may believe that divorce is wrong for any reason.

Love: She may still feel love for her partner. She may have fallen in love with him before the abuse began. Those feelings don't just stop. After an abusive incident the abuser may apologize, tell her it will never happen again,  buy her gifts or flowers, or allow her to do something like visit her family.

Hope: She hopes that he'll change. She may believe his promises to change.

Blaming Drugs or Alcohol for the Abuse: She may believe that he only abuses her because he drinks or takes drugs and that if he can stop drinking and/or using drugs the abuse will stop. He may promise her that he will stop. The truth is - Abuse is a learned behavior intended to gain control over another person, it does not happen because of drugs, alcohol, or any other factor.